The Omegle Explorers

WTF! FRIDAY!

2011-04-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

So it has come down to this people of the world are directing there hatred towards one person who granted has made a song so bad it makes me want to tear my own hair out just because of of one REALLY bad video. The song is terrible and again goes to show where money and the bandwagon that you tube has become are damaging our society and otherwise ruining the good name that is talent.

I'm sorry this is really short but got better stuff to do such as recreate the entire universe with a saucepan.

To and fro, stop and go, thats what makes a manic go mad . . .

2010-08-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

ZOMG!!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!!one!1!!!!

It turns out that the Viscount, that delightful and charismatic fellow that entertained with sarcastic rants, maniacal laughter and generally fucking the shit out of every plus sized bitch to ever grace his presence is in fact a psychological creation of monumentous preportions which was created as a way for the loser /b/tard that was me to readjust to my new life.

Or, in short, I'm medically bat-shit insane.

It all started when I was down south watching that adult season on BBC 3. Now, I don't know about you, but when I see or hear the phrase "Adult Season" I automatically assume that it will be a non-stop festival of all 37 "Cock Gobbler" movies from start to finish. However, like many 13 year old boys and dirty old sick fucks I was dissapointed when I was watching Alice try to pick which of her 6 dads to give her away on her wedding day thanks to her slaggy mum's indecisive whoring. But then that tarty twat-bang from N-Chubz Tullisa came on talking about bipolar disorder and multiple personality disorder, and I began a complex diagnostic procedure involving the one true encyclopedia.

And it was by far the best diagnosis evaaaaarrrrrr

And in short the Viscount was an accessory to some form of Multiple Personality Disorder,

In closing, all your medical needs can be solved by a quick trip to Encycolpedia Dramatica

Donkey Punch, more like Donkey... shit... yeah, wit, I haz it

2010-08-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

I don't really know what I'm about to write about, however I can tell you this. I recently saw the film Donkey Punch on Film 4.

Now, I understand psychological horror, teenagers and sex are hot topics for any director (namely so they can look clever and stare at young perk tits, fucking lecherous directors) but Donkey Punch takes the bacon as the most sex-fuelled orgy-ridden bloodbathical of all time.

The film basically deals with three teenage girls, one of which recently broken up (which is treated in the writing as though her boyfriend died in a horrific banana yoghurt/chinchilla based accident, not just leaving her... ... ... too dramatic teens) who, after stealing champagne and drinking excessively meet 3 twats ina bar. The twats, being twats, have a yacht, and ask the girls they have just met whether they would like to twattishly join them on said yacht. Naturally, being bitchy naive twatty girly girls they say yes because they are slags and like a quick shag.
When they arrive on the yacht, moments after meeting the twats - you'd think their mothers would have taught them about strangers - they take a fuck tonne of drugs due to peer pressure from the biggest twat and all settle down to a nice orgy.
Earlier, the biggest twat and described The Donkey Punch, whereby you give a lass an involuntary spasm to make ya cum better or some shit like that, I was too busy laughing at the accents the actors had put on to sound like down-to-earth less than clever teens. During said orgy, virgin twat performs donkey punch killing slaggiest lass with the fucking wierd face...

From then on everyone dies for no reason.

The End.

Wiki tells me it was filmed in 3 weeks on £500,000, which fucking explains the lack of plot half way through. The sex scene was just a wank job for the director, Olly Blackburn, who obviously just likes the idea of snuff porn and decided to add a yacht, a virgin and a silly title in the mix. The title was what intrigued me, having the feel to it of Swordfish or Domino, intelligent harsh films... this was just fucking terrible, bar the beginning which showed promise. Some nice eerie shots, and a decent look into stereotypical teenage life opens the film before the director goes, "fuck this everyone dies." Including death by dingy engine and a flare getting lodged in someones chest, again for no reason.

The only man I know that can pull off films like this is Quentin Tarantino, which brings me nicely into this, which I copied from this link:

The Inglourious Basterds Drinking Game

Drink Every Time . . .

1. Anyone's notoriety is referenced 2. Swastikas are shown
3. Anyone says "Jew" or "Nazi"
4. A geographic location is mentioned
5. Anyone drinks
6. Anyone switches languages mid conversation
AND IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GET WASTED . . .
Anytime someone dies.

Which swiftly draws me back to.... Teenagers have gained a reputation as drug taking, sex addicted drunken morons with more intelligence in their brains as Bono has charitable thoughts. This wasnt true before, but then wankers (and I mean that literally) like Olly Blackburn made films showing this off which made teenagers want to do it... this meant the teenagers saying, "we're not the stereotype you say we are" became the stereotype, as it looked fucking mental yeah. Sometimes I despair that I'm 19... soon I'm 20 and I can leave the drugged up drinking messes behind me.

I also want to direct your attention to:

Wii Games - E3 2011 - Guitar Hero 5

This is a fascinating little video (not snuff porn I promise ya). Basically it shows how scary game design is, how facebook is taking over the world and how you are doomed to live in a world of cheaply produced commercialised brain washing money making schemes where you spend good money on pixels. I'll leave you with that thought, good morrow peeps.

iPad, Samuel L Jackson is my Friend and virtual goldfish novel-ties

2010-07-12T09:33:00.000-07:00

Today, I debated with two friends over this product:

http://www.apple.com/uk/ipad/

I find the concept of the iTampon (hehe, I bandwaggoned onto a shit joke on how iPad sounds like an absorbant feminine item, hehehe... lovely) a tad... pointless. And after the debate I realised it wasn't the product I hated, but its marketing.

I originally kept saying to said friends, "It's pointless, just get a netbook, or sommet" as these seem to have a decent number of programs installed for basic use. Yes, it may not have full net or full microsoft word, but for idle note taking or essay writing on a train it seems likely notepad is all you need.

"But listen here sucka" said my friend who will now be portrayed by Samuel L Jackson, "Fucking netbooks are shit, I'm too fucking awesome to be hanging with that mo'fo."

And he proclaimed the iPads skills: the many applications, protools, logic, movie editing, full programs for use. So yes, I agree, the iPad looks fucking awesome. These however are my qualms.

1) its enormous.

2) due to 1 it can easily be nicked (but I suppose so can laptops but they are more cumbersome than the humble iPad)

3) Pointless wankable accessories, such as speak to text, dogs you can stroke apps, keyboards, noise makers, games, magnetic penises, angry badger plug ins... so much stuff used solely to make Apple Fan Boys cum.

And yes, their reply was that I was merely saying such things because I wanked over Microsoft or that I can't see the full potential of this ebook.

It was then I cracked.

Just because your marketing it as an ebook doesnt fail to note it is a laptop. Yes, it hasnt a keyboard, but you can plug one is what Samuel L Jackson said he was doing. I said laptop covers it, he said it was lighter.

My other friend stood up for this claim. YES! It is lighter than my macbook. His macbook is a fucking anorexic; a midget with herpes in its right testicle could lift it. I dont know why right testicular herpes lowers strength but bugger it the metaphor stands!

The tiniest things make mac fan boys, or just likers and lovers of a good system, cum. I mean, I prefer mac over my shitty vista laptop, for it crashes less, has a greater creative prowess and updates far better than microsoft where you become the developer because Gatesy and his golden prostitutes can't be arsed to fix it themselves... I GET THAT... but a tiny bit of weight missing, a camera in the next one (why not put it in this one, oh right, to make more money), the possibility of using facebook full screen and a nice shade of silver on the side are not reasons to buy this product. Yes, I agree, I would get one if it was affordable and smaller (because the size drives me insane, Ill explain why later) but it is marketed as something life changing. It isn't. End of. Its a laptop without the flippy top bit. Not an e-book. Laptop, without flippy bit.

And about the size. People say its fine because its easy to carry and not a laptop. And it is because people say "its not a laptop" that its size is now fine. if it was a laptop people wouldnt like it; its simply due to its name.

The marketting of his product fails to focus on its potential (safari, mail, work on actual projects on full blown software) and instead says, "look you can read a book on it, and if you say stuff to it it logs in and and... erm... you can download a virtual goldfish!" I don't care. For work on the go I want word, software, end of. I dont want all the other pointlessnessnesses of Apple. Soon we will be unable to live in the real world without being able to log into the Glee iPad app. much as we can't live without our mobiles tweeting our every favourable quote of the day. Much as we don't like the idea of a real book when the iPad has one for us already. its pathetic. I don't mind evolution, but for the right reasons. i wouldn't even mind virtual books, just not virtual books as an add on, mocking books now as a novelty (novel-ty, hehe) and not a pleasure of literature.

So, I want your opinions. I may omegle some questions and post them in a P.S below later, but right now I'm going to wank over how its lighter than a stapler. Night.

Idiocy, its fucking everywhere

2010-07-06T08:42:00.000-07:00

I could think of no other title for this blog post. I can think of no other term to fully encapsulate modern Britain... modern, world... eugh!

I recently asked my facebookers what I should hate and recieved "twilight, Justin Beiber, Jedward" etc. The big names of IQ-less popular fandom. I don't fucking understand the world now. I fail to comprehend why we wish to dumb ourselves down more and more until their is nothing left but a husk of bitching and bras (because, sadly, from experience, it appears women are the ones lowering themselves to new levels of intelligencelessness). I say that in the nicest possible way. I do not mean to offend women by saying, you are all fucking stupid, but sadly a large portion of you are. A large intense portion of femalia are utter bitches with more brain crammed into their heads as good song lyrics are found in Snoop Dogg. I will move onto the madness of men, later.

I shall begin my observations of stupidity with the following website, http://www.mylifeistwilight.com/ . Upon said website people post events, in a twatter like fashion, on events they deem twilight-like. For example, take this:

Today, I realised my hair is bown jus like bellas! :D MLIT

#35364 - May 24, 2010 12:14 PM by BELLA_ - Random - So twilight! (191) - Needs more twilight.. (1816)

Apparently said comment needs more twilight, says 1816 thousand twilight fans. However, 191 people... thats the population of a small village, deem is perfectly acceptable to say, "OMG! LIEK, MY HAIR IS SOOOOO LIEK BELLAS! OMG!" ... I'll let that sink in. In short 191 fellow twilighters see any reflection, link, mirrored fact, slight observance, sound, colour, texture or moment as like twilight. This, I believe, is much the same as some psychological ailments that are treated with diazapan and shock treatment. "OMG, LIKE, I WAS WALKING.... LIKE EDWARD!" Just fuck off, just... fuck... off! Twilight has somehow lured people into a false sense of security as part of this new age of easy-media. Basically media has evolved into a state where people wish not to be tested intellectually (for fun, I might add; already people will read the words "test" and "intellectually" and believe exams are on the menu, when in fact its sometimes fun to enter as one Bill Bailey called on QI, a world of knowing)... I continue, its evolved into a state where people do not need to comprehend huge facts, debate or wonder - not even be inspired - merely absorb, giggle and fuck off. Twilight fills a glorious niche, much as Mills and Boon short stories did for Holiday Romance Fiction, but Mills and Boon did not drive people insane. They filled a niche, formed a clique, and allowed people to absorb some quick fiction before returning to a life mentally worth while. Twilight however has gained so much popularity it has formed crowds, swarms, of obsessed teens. They care not for intelligence of fact, or to develop themselves emotionally (as a Jacqueline Wilson novel might), intellectually (as a fine Stephen King might) or socially (as some graphic novels succeed in as they are intelligent and have a fine fan base)... no, what Twilight successfully does is give people pleasure so easy to absorb one does not expel energy into reading the novel but gains more. Instead of having to use cognitive prowess to read, they merely absorb, like a sponge of doom and peril, so that by the end the horniess of the novel is imparted into the teen turning them into ravenous sex-emos and indie scene wannabes.

I would like to point out I have just posted the following message onto said website, awaiting replies:

OMG! I LIEK REALIZED TODAY I WAS SOOO LIKE EDWARD. i WAS WALKING AND TALKING TO PEOPLE AND LIEK EDWATD DOES THAT TOO OMG

I sadly have to wait to see if it has been uploaded. I fear it won't be, in case I make an emo kill itself.

Music has also taken this hideous down turn; Jedward was first off the mark taking old songs, barely rewriting them, a bit of white trash rapping Stephen Fry detests, add in a old celebrity in need to pay off some debts and away you go. Jedward ceased to make music about anything. It is merely a noise one can squeal too hysterically again imparting energy of joy at a world so simplistic one now can do fuck all in it and still do well. Jedward is music without purpose, filling again that niche that "Shut uppa ya face" did when it put the glory of "Vienna" by Ultravox as N.o2 in the charts.

Justin Beiber similarly has the same approach but with pedobear dancing in the background.

why hello there ;) about 21 hours ago via web

- http://twitter.com/justinbieber

That is a real Beiber Tweet (note how his last name can be put next to any word to make it nauseatingly commercial...) Already the hormones are running wild so as Justina uploads said post he wanks to it awaiting new 18 year old hotness watchers.

But this implies mainly females, let me now move onto males:

I could not help but laugh hysterically in Morrisons (a supermarket of Britain 2.0) when I saw a petition for getting the world cup to be held in England in 2018. The idea that we still hold onto the idea we are good at the war... I mean sport is appalling. We see football as a battlefield, so as our boys head out to fight in Afghanistan or Iraq we say nothing, merely buy COD50000 and shoot some pixels... but when Renadol, Romaldo, Rellalaldoldldoa... whatever falls over, we go up in arms screaming and shout and rioting for our goal to be accepted. Fuck the goal. Football is a game, and it is you sick stupid individuals. Any of you who goes, "ITS A WAY OF LIFE" shoud be hung from the flag and pecked at by birds for your patriotism is false sir. You men of honour and dignity, in your pubs, 5000 stone overweight and downing another cheap pint as you watch your plasma TV filling said pub screaming at how it wasnt like this in the old days. You can't even smoke now. We took that from you, you sad lonely divorcees. Loving your 'sport', if I dare use such a sickening term, is as bad as those emos you see everyday; those teenagers, as young as your daughters, that you can't help but lick your lips over when you see their cleavages drowning in eyeliner that had dropped from the lower lids of a saddened scene kid due to Edward not being real. Just all of you fuck off.

This travesty has occurred because of one thing... the world. Life. Universe. Everyday we have to work twice as hard with no breaks, and if we have a break we have to work in it to get where we need to be. To ring people for advice who know fuck less than you do, to lose the forms to get the forms to sign the forms to get the form to carry on with our god forsaken lives. No wonder we want football and twilight and Beiber Fever; its easy. its simple. A down right simpler way of living than having to do exams with sense (where grammar is but thrown aside for correct ideas) or work out where the hell money comes from nowadays, because I tell ya what, Student Finance doesnt have a fucking clue either.

So, hold up your arms and tell the skies on high, I bitch because if I didn't, I might as well be a corpse.

Night folks, have a good'un.

Zombie Luv, and a problem

2010-07-05T05:40:00.000-07:00

Hello minions. I have a problem. I have seem to be finding it hard to find something to hate, if any of you lovely people has something worth omegling, please, comment below.

For your perusal instead, two things. A zombie contest called Zombie Luv and my entry, which you can find here!

Christianity, what else can you hate, oh my

2010-06-05T07:54:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: the following post is not intended to defile religion, act heretically or be blasphemous, but merely point out how certain Christians can be utter wankers. Side note: this will most likely not be very funny, I get heated

My curiousity into why Christians are so downright protective of what they believe in began at primary school. Each day we prayed when we arrived, we prayed in our assembly, prayed at lunch and then prayed when we left. Each prayer was one of thanks, understanding or safety. I.e "thank you God for getting me to school safe", "thank you god for this food I have here, these frube, and this cheese string, all holy in nature", "God, keep me safe when I walk home tonight". Ironically, after doing these for quite a few years, with child naivity keeping me locked to this form of behaviour, I one day awoke to a scientific mind I now possess. I came up with a theory, one I could test. My house is but mere houses from the Primary School and each day I am safe. Surely if I said "I have to eat 5 apples everyday no Giraffes would eat my Mum" and did indeed eat 5 apples then that event would not occur, for Giraffes do not live in England and nor do they eat matriarchal factors of family units. My plan was this, on one day, I would not pray, I would mime, think of something irrelevant to prayer, then walk home.

GUESS WHAT FOLKS. I live! And strangely the over-use of prayer made me an Atheist. Well, technically not an Atheist, because I don't believe there is nothing its just... well... let me put it this way. Newly Weds still argue over what colour the curtains should be in their new house, do you think we have the capabilities to understand an omniscient presence when curtains are still at the top of the fucking agenda. Unlikely. Being mere carbon based accidents (if evolution is to be believed, but if you say the underlieing idea of that philosophy in a patronising tone of voice is sounds fucking weird too... "so, like, we were bits of atom and just HAPPENED to rearrange into a self-replicating form which just HAPPENED to continued growing new bits to ADAPT to an environment it has no perception of until after being a FISH a DINOSAUR and a MONKEY I became MAN... ok., yeah, you believe that buddy.")... yes... if we but Carbon Based accidents then we have no perception of the universe and what made it, if something did. Just impossible. And yet we continue to say "JEHOVAH FORGIVE ME!"

But, what I have to make of a note of, in case I am called a Blasphemer (blasforme, blas for you, blas for everyone) and get burned a bit, I do not want to say "you are wrong". I think you are wrong, for that is my belief, and I am allowed to believe that, for equality is what brings people together man, but I am not, through a shitty blog, oppressing your beliefs, be they Muslim, Jewish, Siqeheh.. Soigh... Sihk (there we go!), Dadaist, Baha'i, Zoroastrian... I dont care... I am merely pointing out that certain people are fucktards when it comes to God and His infinite majesty (that doesn't exist (in my book (amen to that Brother) ) ).

We note in that above video how two Atheists, with a simple recognition of the inability to prove the existance of Unicorns, how blinded people are by faith. Like science, faith is fucking complicated. It is hard work. You can't just go, "My momma told me that god exeests. I now beleeve" (you may add in the Redneck drawl yourself). That is blind faith, silly faith... silly silly faith.

But with blind faith - with this cowardly grasping onto the pure and angelic false truth - comes arrogancy.

Take the life of brian, the funniest look into politics, unions and prejudice you can find, and what does Mr. Bishop say, "Oh, its by the footlights, blah blah blah, I went to University you know... blah".... to do what, Study Jesus. "I did a course in Jesusology". Fuck off Pink Coat. Because you are so busy trying to find faeries at the bottom of the garden (Douglas Adams) you forget to note what the films about. OMG, JESUZ IS IN THE FILM, ZOMG, THATS LIEK, BLASFERMEE! lololololololololol. I iz hatin' your filmz, make me a bible sammich.

I don't like ignorance with religion, and this strange need to protect that faith regardless of how silly you look. You will never find Stephen Hawking getting angry at someone saying Black Holes are silly. He will merely look through evidence, procure it, and allow others to have alternate theories. He'll allow films to be made about how Black Holes are anuses, made by Time Lords, go into other universes, spew up, are found in coathangers, I dont fucking know, just... he can let his theory be mocked stupendously. The moment you say, "Jesus had a funny beard" and they come out all placards blazing saying how your a heretic. It implies a fear you are right. If we protest loud enough, the bad man with the alternate philosophical view will go away, because if I listen I may believe in him, and then... I don't know what I would do without the prospect of an ever-loving god. Just seems a tad cowardly in my book.

So yes, enjoy The Life of Je... I mean Brian and everytime a Jehohavs Witness knocks on the door shout loudly, with Xmas music in the background, "SORRY, CAN YOU COME BACK LATER, I'M JUST ABOUT TO GO GIVE BLOOD!"

My next port of call, after leaving the ignorance of Comedy-less Bishops behind, is... Wesboro Baptist Church, who apparently are so stupid they can't spell Borough. Note what the URL is, thats right, godhatesfags! YAY!

We all know gay sex is a bit... well... nothing. Its not weird, its not strange, its not rape, its not in the streets everyday. its just, a relationship. We can argue that homosexuality was seen in a bad light in Africa, due to homosexuality - even before the arrival of Christianity - meant being raped, as that was one of the only representations of that sexuality in the continent, but now... have we not grown up a tad? GOD HATES FAGS. Well done, you have successfully done nothing with your lives. 1) if god does exist do you think he listens to fucktards like you, do you think he goes - in a James Mason voice - "well done! Those colourful signs really got my attention, unlike those little funny hats the jews wear" 2) why does he hate fags, because a book written long ago under other social ideals said so... 3) you momma 4) ??? 5) profit

This is why I don't like religion. Science, probably, at one point, tried to prove how being ghey was wrong folks - probably in America in an educational film - but has since realised it isnt, and has moved onto whether its dispositional or situation, whether its genetic or you learn to be gay. Religion either 1) ignores it 2) accepts it or 3) GETS VERY FUCKING ANGRY SHOUTING AND SCREAMING AND NOT GETTING ANYTHING DONE. Religion here is not being constructive. its just alot of moaning and debating and not listening whereby both sides of the argument might as well go "you smell" "your gay" and go home. That is my second reason why Religion, espeically Christianity in this regard (but you find it all religions, don't think I have forgotten you Buddha) is stilla tad childish. I look at religion and go, "really, still?"

Finally I reach, "CHRISTIANS FINDING ANYTHING WRONG IN ANYTHING!" Again, I will note, I think alot of Christians are fine fellows and basically are just incredibly moral people. In my opinion that is what religion should be, teaching people how to be, on the most basic fucking level, nice. But this, takes the bacon:

Is Pokemon Dangerous?

Is Pokemon dangerous? Potentially, yes it is. It conditions the child who plays the game into accepting occult and evolutionary principles. Haunter can hypnotize, eat a person's dreams, and drain their energy. Abra reads minds. Kadabra emits negative energy that harms others. Gastly induces sleep. Gengar laughs at peoples' fright. Nidoran uses poison. The Psychic type of Pokemon are among the strongest in the game. Charmander, Haunter, Ivysaur, Kadabra, and many more evolve. The children are taught to use these creatures to do their will by invoking colored energy cards, fights, and commands. Much of it is reminiscent of occult and eastern mysticism. - http://www.carm.org/more-stuff/features/pokemon-what-it

Yes thats right kiddies, as well as one card showing a nazi emblem, it apparently teaches them how to be chinese tarot card prophets and about the horrors of evolution. Because evolution is wrong. Why is evolution wrong Mr. Chris... tian.... its because it disproves god... so whether or not it is morally wrong is not the problem, its the fact it makes you look stupid... well done you no longer love god but love yourself with god as a back up plan! FUCKTARDS AWAY!

If I recall, the bible is about trusting your fellow man, helping him through hard times, incest and 10 commandments to help you in not killing everything, not about pokemon. Never have I heard god say, "AND THE POKEMON DID RISE FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE BALLS AND THEY MADE HIM RAGE FORTH A FURIOUS ANGER!"

Do you know whats even better about this?

Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water are frequent elemental themes found in Pagan religions, witchcraft, and Wicca, and are used heavily in Pokemon.

And what did Christianity come out of? Wait for it... PAGANISM! Because religion is as evolving (hehe, I used a bad word) as science, changing its beliefs due to societal alterations. Thsi means that all Christians are... PAGANS! But without the stones, nakedness and dancing, so in all honesty it means they took the fun out of the religion. You can't just change a belief in my opinion. God cannot be different depening on your mood or whats going down. Either gays are wrong as the bible says, or ok if society is ok. Being the Pope doesnt mean, "shit, people dont like me because I think pokemon and gays are wrong, Ill just... MY PEOPLE, Jesus came unto me and said they are ok again, good night!" Thats just wrong, thats far more blasphemous than anything I could say, twisting religion so 1) your always right and 2) you don't look bad. Grow up. Either decide what you believe or fuck off!

So what have we learnt 1) this post isnt very funny, it is just a rant, 2) Fags are going to rot in hell, 3) Pokemon teaches kids evolution and that upsets people with beliefs in happy places and 4) Paganism rocks.

Betting, black gold, and birds.

2010-05-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

Good evening, bloggers, I'm back. That's right, dicks, I mean faithful readers. Obviously, this isn't my blog, I shall be doing a post on that tomorrow hopefully, with a little description of my long absense from the blog world, but first, to the job of guest writing on Nathan's wonderful blog again, which is always a great pleasure to do.

BP!!!!!

dumbass fucknuts, why have they not got things in order yet? I mean, jesus, have you never heard of plugs?? you know, that thing you put in bathholes and sinkholes to stop the flow of liquid through said hole?? Just get thousands of them, right, and whack them all in at once (that's what she said), and there we go, no more extinct species, and you don't lose millions of barrels of oil. Here's the thing I don't get, if there is meant to be such a massive oil crisis, with all the oil supplies meant to be gone in 40 years or so, why aren't BP rushing to sort this out, considering there's, and I quote from BP "four" thousand barrels of the black gold pouring into the ocean every day, though when the government got someone independant to do a bit of damage control, they estimated that it was in fact twelve to nineteen thousand barrels a day, and I have just been looking it up on the news, and apparently their next plan is in fact to fill it full of mud and "large rubber balls" so the flow stops enough for it to be stable enough to either por concrete over, or drill a relief hole next to it. I should clearly be an advisor for BP, or the US government xD

Paddy Power
No, I don't mean a load of irishmen blowing at a wind turbine to try and make eco friendly electricity. For all those who bet, you will know that Paddy Power is a leading power in the betting world (according to my sources. I don't gamble myself, bad habit. And I'm underage). Anyway, what they have have now done is take advantage of the oil spill in the most ingenious way. What they have done, is make a list of all the endangered species that will be affected by the BP oil spill, and have put odds on which one will cop it first thanks to the oil. Brilliant eh? I bet the first one's to go are the CEO's of BP, though unfortunately, they're not on the list.

Birds!!
Now, what I heard on the radio just passing by, is a brilliant piece of news. Apparently, a pigeon in pakistan has been put under armed guard because they believe it has been used for spying missions. Now, not only is this funny in itself, but the way the reporter handled the story was pretty epic, and I can't quite remember exactly what she said, but she basically went "A name and address was found on a note tied to the pigeon of the leg, yet no note has been found. Thankfully, the pigeon is being kept in an air conditioned room, though it is being denied visitors." Like a pigeon really needs conjugals, realistically.

Right, before I finish this post off, I went to tesco half way through this post writing, (this is at quarter to ten on a friday) and had a wonderful time shopping, with absolutely no subliminal accusations of being mentally retarded by the staff at all. (sarcasm)
Basically, what happened is, I did the shopping with Danni, that was fine, but she didn't have enough money to pay for all the shopping, so I waited for her to go outside and withdraw some from her card. When she got in, the roof had already told us twice to piss off, so everyone was at the only two checkouts open, a normal one and a basket one, and this woman was telling people which one to go to, which I guess is expected if they're in a hurry, but what happened next was just ridiculous. When Danni had come back in, and was walking towards me, I'd turned towards and started walking towards her, and this tesco woman walked towards me, pointed at the bloke on the basket checkout and said in a really snobby voice "excuse me sir, can you make your way to the basket checkout please?" I was still getting to Danni at this point, so I kinda stopped and was like "err...yeah, alright" and stopped so Danni could get there, at which point, she put her hand on my shoulder, pointed at the basket checkout again and said a little more firmly "you see the basket checkout where the gentleman is standing?" as if she thought I was mentally retarded. I mean jesus, I thought I understood the concept of shopping, but really, without you there I would have just stood at the end of the toiletries aisle with a basket full of shopping just going "fuck! I've got the shopping, now what do I do? I need an overly orange faced uber snob woman to tell me where to go after I've got in the car, got to the shop, finished picking which boxes of things I fill my retarded face with I'm going to buy for the week by walking around in civilisation and dragged the weird metal disks out of my jeans pocket that I need to hand to someone in order to leave the shop with these items."
Good-day to you, I'm gonna go and eat my well deserved haribo ;)

WhiteGOLD

2010-05-16T13:42:00.000-07:00

Music, it makes the world go around, or at least, half way around before commercialism, Simon Cowells Ego and hyperhomosexual pineappley flavoured dongs push it the rest of the way. We have seen media interbreed to form the music video, the talent show and then finally the youtuber who thinks hes got it all.

That guy does in fact "have it all" bar possibly looks but who am I to judge. My beard has been described as the pubes of Zeus, so I dont think I have the chance to complain about other peoples idiosyncratic physiognomy (haha, that means personal faces poshly, I feel like a torie spouting nonsense!) He has taken an original media technology (I do media studies A-level, so I will sound like a post-modern twat at the moment)... so, he has taken an original media technology - the Chat Roulette System of Web 2.0 - and taken his improvisational skills in fucking awesome pianomongery forming what can only be described as pure joy. He is literally performing to strangers, like Mexican Guitarists in shit restaurants but without the shit, the restaurants or the immigrants. He is spreading musical happiness in a simple and effective way, the only difficulty is his style which is so complex, rivetting and awesome my eyes bled rainbows. Maybe not that awesome, but when you look into what he is actually doing - not just funny piano based youtube videos, but music on the spot genius - you have to admit its rather wonderful.

What isn't wonderful is this, WhiteGOLD, who also have two myspaces, one for Red Beam and the other for Sweet G... the band... members. Hold up, let me stop. Red Beam. Sweet G. Say the words, let the syllables roll on your tongue with the inevitable bile that is to follow. I mean, I know these guys, so mocking them here will probably result in... BEING RAPPED TO DEATH. Oh nu!

Due to the advent of Web 2.0, where every fucker can have an opinion on the internet (I can be excluded from this as I am... a... god?), every musician can become 'signed'. Yes, it may not be conventional, to a company that knows what its doing, but Myspace, run by Lonely Lonely Tom, can make anyone a musician. Make the page, show people your gigs, show people how you sound with a media player that puts the iPod to shame. yes, even the iPod feels shame for that poor excuse for a music player, it feels pity. So, Tom told all the people, "You too can be famous" and Lily Allen and Kate Nash (the only examples I know) did well, becoming famous, but so many were left behind. So many were left in the deluges of lost music, forcing their way through to be famous as well, "Pick me" they would shout, "I used Audacity to record my voice!" And they are washed onto the shore of utter wank.

WhiteGOLD is one such poor excuse for a piece of wanky music wank... wank. They want to be rappers, but are white, have not... let me show you there description:

Its Ya boy, Sweet G of White G.O.L.D, we formed in 2009 as a Rapcore band called 'Hip-hopcrisy' this lead nowhere so, we formed White GOLD in March 2010, this was purely Rap and Hip Hop, but we have no limit to our style as we have an arsenal of raps if different styles.

I bring, the real shit, no lies, I have only being rapping for about 3 months before the formation of White GOLD so i'm discovering my style right now, try to innovate, don't rap about the hood, as i grew up in a normal neighbourhood, with no gun crime or death, so i'm not gonna lie about it.

Yo its Red Bean, my aim has always been to do something new. I been writting lyrics for all sorts of genres for afew years now, but im always on my rap shit.

So much shit has already been done, and if your just gonna re-do it then aint no point in bothering.
I try to bring an original message and style to the game, I hope we can all chill, get blunted and get to making some good music.

We got our first tape on the way which is called "class in session EP", but its good lookin so far.
This summer we are gonna release our first full mixtape called "Notebook Rhymin". Its gonna contain a good mix of styles and there will be something for everyone on that record.
Peace out. R-B.

Just wait a minute. Now you may laugh.

don't rap about the hood, as i grew up in a normal neighbourhood, with no gun crime or death, so i'm not gonna lie about it.

I love that bit! I adore it, for it encapsulates all I detest of Web 2.0. I know I may be one such twat with an attitude who thinks hes good but this takes the bacon, the biscuit and other B beginninged nouns. The fact Sweet G, with his name that spawns a thousand black holes within my already loveless chest, has basically said, or rapped, "I am a normal guy who... yeah... like... no problems... I like to rap about that, yeah" means that all other rappers can never, and will never, treat them seriously. They might as well say, "today I went to college, got bummed by my teacher, but it didnt happen, I just did maths, and went home, single"... ... ... I find the tracks rather horrific, but only because their are no visuals. On Britains got (no) Talent (whatsoever, we're all ugly opera singers) you get to see the fat cow fall flat on her quavers because she has the larynx of a Noam Chomsky experiment. On myspace you see none of this. You just hear the crapness and the bleakness of misunderstood Mothering ("you could do well son") and think to yourself, "why am I still listening at 2:00".

I want you all to troll them, or at least, make them enormously huge and popular, because I want them to be on E4 adverts rapping about friends or scrubs or sommet silly. I want them on youtube, telling their fans how awesome they are, before 4channers illuminate the comments with racism and incest. Because thats my next step... yes, I am going there.

It scares me somewhat that place. Anime and porn. Doctor Who and Incest. Geekery and debauchery. 4chan epitomises the human races Id untempered. I say this because in day to day life these people are probably like any other:

Or rapists, whatever. They probably sneak through society unnoticed before uploading an image of a scary dog to say, "aint that weird" inevitably awakening a Cthulu Lovecraftian with a penchant for bestiality. In day to day life they cannot talk of such things, in fear of hurting another or being fucking crazy, but on the internet the Id is let lose without a leash so they can become one with themselves, in a puddle of cum and a fish on their comb overs.

So in showing them WhiteGOLD, surely they will be famous shortly????

That was an image. The end.

p.s.: the image failed... just go to www.fatpita.com

Capitalism for Dummies

2010-05-08T06:08:00.000-07:00

So, we are in a hung parliament. Just b-e-a-yootiful. Clegg (sorry) is going to talk to Cameron or Brown (who should be Crown just to complete a set and sound more arrogant towards royalty) to form a coalition on the off chance the original cant go through or it can go throughin the coalition or without it so that... PARADOX:

And yes, I am using that picture in my happy philosophical blog as well, because I have nothing else to talk about. If I can be arsed to update [re]thinkism.

No, the hung parliament situation is not a paradox, or even that complicated. It just involves alot of rules that people are only aware of if your part of parliament, or have made those rules, and the people making those rules happen to be in parliament. In short, nothing will get done for the next 1000 years of darkness of pseudo-anarchy and angry post twat tories punching Harriet Harman for another bitchy comment (and yes, I have no fucking clue how to spell Harman, Harmon... is Harmon a jamaican harriet?).

Anyway, enough with politics. If ya wanna know more read up about is seriously, or on blogs, or twitter. Even the BBC go with that shizzle now.

My point for today is this.

Apparently this website believes that a new religion is being set up by twilight fans: Cullenism.

"These Cullenists believe "[j]ust like any other religion," that there is some spirituality to be had in the Twilight series, forming rules and principles upon which to base their tenets. Their creed, say the Cullenists, includes a base set of beliefs that "Edward and the rest of the Twilight characters are real," that "[t]he Twilight series should be worshipped," and that "[i]f you are good in life, you will be bless[ed] with eternity with the Cullens." Other than that, say the Cullenists, there "is not a limit to what you can believe in when it comes to the Cullenism religion . . . we will accept any other Cullenism beliefs you may have." Cullenists are also expected to read some of the books on a daily basis, "like the Bible" and make a pilgrimage to Forks."

The website doesn't actually say where they got this quote from, and if you search for it the quote appears to be solely quoted from here. I sense fake media. We all jest that the idiots of that fan-loaded Mary Sue of an arsewipe of a poor excuse for a novel or toilet paper or a pebble or ya mom or Carpe Noctem or Grasshopper or shitheap or pile of decapitated monkey brains on rye... ... ... has caused a new religion for wannabe-emos (which sounds as sad as the scene scene or this following image:)

I dont think this is entirely true. Namely due to the absense of facts. I like facts. They're awesome. Facts like Gordon Brown is Gay and the Queen has always enjoyed handcuffs.

"It is one thing, in our fandom of the series, the film, its cast, etcetera, to spend inordinate amount of time, say the fans, on reading, re-reading, discussing, and watching things about the series, but it is a whole other to devote the core of one's faith to a set of fictional books and films, don't you think?"

I think spending any amount of time on Twilight makes you a twat. I, therefore, am I twat for I have written about it, ranted about and once read some pages of it, giggled histerically at the grammar usage and they promptly told a load of girls they had the IQ of a barrell of histerectomies. Twilight has systematically capitalised Dracula and his hordes of the damned. A truly horrible incarnation of fear has been transformed, transmuted, into pure greedy money. Stephanie "Mary Sue I like money and hate grammar" Meyer has grabbed emos, scene kids and the general public, drained them of dignity and cash, and now lives in a sky castle pissing on the people below her. Below her literally, not metaphorically, for everyone, even Hitler, has greater morals. All Hitler wanted to do is take peoples souls away forever, not ask them for money first so he could do so.

I detest Twilight and all it stands for. Its like a bank loan for teenagers, inevitably taking more than it gives. Its how society works nowadays.

That rant got a bit philosophical, heres another picture:

I want to be him. Piano playing dickhead (haha, dickhead, in jokes I love them).

But, back to the money again. If you want to show people where your cash, hopes, dreams and reputation goes, you can now join Blippy.

Blippy is like twitter but for shit economists. Want to tell ya friend what book ya bought, but too fucking lazy to do so, get Blippy to update your facebook and twitter for you. How sad is that. people dont even have to tell each other what they bought anymore, a website can do that for you. If youve bought a birthday present, tell everyone what it is. No need for surprises anymore, social interaction beats surprise, excitement and a life anyday.

So yeah, if you want to have no need to leave the house again, join Blippy, and watch your dignity slip away (Y).

Profanity makes Jesus Weep

2010-04-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

FUCKING HELL! To quote Lee Evans after a rather marvelous joke. Facebook is now littered with "like" pages, for the owners of Facewank discovered that 99% of all its fan pages were fans of fuck all, and were instead people liking obvious idiosyncracies, or even more banal normalities, of life. Even liking the things they dislike, for they are fucking retarded.

One that seems to be a prevelant page of likingness is that of the grammatical accident, that of the misplaced colon or comma that changes one phrase into another:

These do make me laugh. I adore grammar. I know this seems hypocritical, coming from a blog that appears to have been written by a lobotomised chimp (yes, I copied the description, its called creating a theme), but I do. I love the power of a semi-colon. (Look it up.)

But then it goes too far, more importantly, into the certain habits of speech that certain Americans class as profanity, or rudeness or crudeness. I love how rudeness and crudeness are always used side by side, its as though crudeness is rememebred as one types the former. "Oh yeah, thats another good word. And its a syno.. synon... ny... a same meaninged word, I'll use it!" And so they do, to the horror of their peers if they had any.

A friend of my cousins joined one such group of grammar: ""Let's eat Grandma!' or, 'Let's eat, Grandma!' Punctuation saves lives."

Oh, ain't that sweet. It doesn't save lives. Mainly because we don't pronounce the comma in speech, bar the slight pause, but it isnt a conscious effort. We don't go, "Lets eat... shit, say a comma now or we'll have to eat her like we did mum... Grandma" Them living with grandma because they accidentally were forced into an awkward position of eating their parents, due to the mispronunciation of a pause.

Things further moved out of hand due to the hilarassment of eating ones grandmother when the following statement was issued:

"this page is fucking amazing!! :) x"

Twas a dark day on facebook. This lone comment has issued pain throughout the land. The cuss has thrown turmoil into the sea of tranquility know as face... oh shut the fucking cunty wanky bucket face up. Its not that bad. OH, but it was.

I would show you the overal conversaion but it is rather long, I will place .jpegs at the bottom of this post. In short a load of yanks who treasure our language more than making up their own (lazy bigots, haha bigots, gordon brown, Ill come to that later, watch the video) got annoyed at this, believing that the perpetrator, one Arron Kilburn, an intelligent lad of many prospects (hehe, propaganda), has desecrated the might that is the "like" page. This is a place of hope and joy and love, not for profanity! OUT I SAY! The conversation grew out of hand as more yanks took up defending the English Language. I don't believe they have a say. That's like us deciding what their flag should look like.

"Well, you decided feck is better than fuck, and that taps are forsets..."
"Yes, thats right"
"Well, we think your flag needs a dinosaur on it... and Abe Lincoln, fighting a zombie, on a Transformer"

It would never go through, no one would let us do that. But they can quite happily decide what pieces of our language is correct. I mean, Stephen Fry is the one that has these rights. He is our leader of all things knowledgeable. He says profanity is not a sign of a decreased immature underdeveloped mind and vocabulary, therefore true. He's also a fag, so that perhaps annoyed the Jesus-freaks. I say this because who else makes a page about grandmothers, protects there rights and is American. The English can do the former 2 without Christianity, the Americans need the hopeful support of an imaginary friend.

You will note the anger in this post. I am being trollish today; you can decide what I believe here and what I do not. If I told you what was true in my belief system here the whole idea of a post to annoy Grandmothers Anonymous would fail and crumble, much as their arguments do:

"Vulgarity is the ignorant person's crutch.If you intend to be respected here, you will need to use a more mature vocabulary. Rude, crude and lewd language is not well-received here. Please save that kind of vulgarity for your friends and for sites where it is appreciated and welcomed. Good-bye."

From a Miss JudyLea Irwin, I can imagine continuing as though this is points of view, "I did not like the bed sheets in Midsummer Murders, they imply sex is to be had. That upsets me".

I wish to analyse this response. "Vulgarity is the ignorant persons crutch". Let me show you otherwise. "The fucking retards that run the mental institutions of the 60s showed a fucking disgraceful attitude to the patients they were asked to care for. Rosenhan, a fucking decent bloke, conducted an experiment whereby the participants would act as the observers, this is called participant observation and is a fucking awesome way of understanding how a system operates. Rosenhan discovered the fucktards could not tell the difference between a pseudo-patient with symptoms of an existential crisis and normal patients, fuck off".

That is an intelligent answer. The counterargument is that the swearing is unnecessary, but that is an ignorant reply, for it has no grounding in the argument that vulgarity is a crutch for those without intelligence. Wrong. I haz proven dat.

"Rude, crude and lewd language" merely emphasises my point that people use rhyme and synonyms to appear more intelligent, clever and intellectual. Fuck off, just say what you mean.

"Please save that kind of vulgarity for your friends and for sites where it is appreciated and welcomed" I loved. She first says that the language is vulgar - a negative - then says that its fine to be rude to your friends with it, implying shes happy with herself and others being unkind to those you love. Second, no website welcomes swearing. Websites just accept it as additions to an already complex and beautiful language. QED.

I find the entire conversation disparaging. I dont know what that means, but it sounds bad, and is a long word and proves my argument............ yanks get ya own language, moan about that. We won't learn it, but still, make ya own.

"Oh.My God. THREE paragraphs on this? Jane, did Arron ASK you to post all that? Next his mommy and daddy will be on here. I wonder if he says 'fuck' to THEM?"

From a Miss Christine Cattell, average age, most likely dead. I love the maturity. Vulgarity is the crutch of the ignorant. Immature remarks about ones parents, the crutch of the inferior. That sounds like a good catchphrase.
I can't be arsed to talk about Gordon Brown fully, all I say is, "good man, an opinion. Have more!". I leave you now with the full conversation on eating grandmothers, and this word: "CUNT". That is all, dickweeds.

MORE LULZ:

Further drama has already occured in the space of this blog being blogged.

After telling them my opinion an American hacks my facebook. To further add to the hypocrisy of vulgarity, law breaking and loss of morals and upbringing, they question the use of fucking profanity, but not that of online privacy. Well, I hope Jesus hates you now. I hope he doesn't bring you cupcakes to your next wankless bake sale.

Also, Kilburn is a distant relative of Jades not a friend. So! Yeah! MORE APOLOGIES!

Is Indonesia Lonely?

2010-04-19T08:40:00.000-07:00

I ask this question due to the uncountable number of indonesians that crawl across the face of Facebook. I use the term crawl not because I am indonesianist, but it just seems that pervertedness, the need for an online shag and to talk to no one from their own country only seems to spawn from Indonesia.

I do not mind people talking to me from another country, I love the idea of chatting to a variety of people, and when I mean people I mean foreign hookers that can be downloaded on my whim. But Indonesia is different. Other countries, and nationalities, seem to use social networking to talk to people they know, and occasionally if they meet someone outside their state, theyll add them later. Indonesians seem to search for foreign girls to chat them up, using their own language, expected said english wench to understand their every fantasy, namely, "Do you have a boyfriend." I do not lie. Many a time I have visited my facebook to find my female friends have Indonesians hollering after them. I do not mean to sound racist, but when only indonesians do this, its hard not to be.

So I consulted omegle, that place that inspired this blog, to see what they thought:

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: is indonesia lonely

Stranger: hey

Stranger: number

You: 7

You: that work for ya

Stranger: age

You: ask politely

Stranger: whats your age lol

You: otherwise the foreplay you will inevitably be after will merley be

You: foreplay

You: accepted

You: enter sex

You: sex complete

Stranger: lol

You: so

You: is indonesia lonely

Stranger: wow slow down

Stranger: let me cum

You: so your implying your shagging a concept, that concept being indonesia

Stranger: lol your funny how oold are you

Stranger: are you dirty

You: lol your not answering my question biatch

You: is indonesia lonely

Stranger: wanna fuck

You: i can't... your somewhere else to me

Stranger: i mean wat

You: just answer my simple question

You: is indonesia lonely

Stranger: you no where the us is

You: i am not flying out from the UK just to shag you

You: is indonesia lonely

Stranger: u.s.

You: oh

You: you use better grammar for U.S

Stranger: why not????????

You: but forget to check the spelling of know

Stranger: my dick is hard

You: so's mine

You: is indonesia lonely

Stranger: oooooh hhh shit

You: yeah

You: you were inadvertantly gay

Stranger: your a guy

You: your gay now

You: you imagined my cock

Stranger: fuck no i am straight

You: nah, you wanted to shag me

You: earlier you asked

You: unless you stupidly surmised i was a girl for your dreams and desires

Stranger: i thought you were a girl

You: which would be stupid

You: and unlikely...

You: oh you thought I was a girl!

You: but there are no girls on the internet

Stranger: fuck you lol

You: did you expect to be randomly pinned with the girl of your dreams

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I then recieved one guy whos girlfriend had dumped him, who then didnt say anything after that... I believe he may have committed... himself to a lovely day of making cupcakes. Then I met a "Horny 15 f"... my paedophilia haunts me to this day apparently... ... ... [unimpressed face] and then:

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: is indonesia lonely

Stranger: i dont even know

You: not even a guess as to whether it/they are

You: any ideas

You: any

You: i mean generally

You: do you have ideas

Stranger: i guess they are

Stranger: but i havent been there...

Stranger: are you indonesian?

You: no, but i keep finding them on my facebook talking to my female friends...

You: and when I say friends i mean... ;)

Stranger: hahaha

Stranger: indoesia is pretty isolated

You: that also alliterates so it must be true

Stranger: lol yeeeeeeeeuppppppppp

Stranger: so how old are you

You: is that an important factor in this conversation

Stranger: i guess

Stranger: pretty much

You: in what sense

Stranger: lol

You: does thsi change your view of me

Stranger: In the sense that ima kick yo ass

You: the question changes the factor of the conversation due to the sense that you can kick my ass

Stranger: sex??

You: you kick peoples asses in sex... your doing it wrong

Stranger: m/f ?

You: you want to shag me

You: again

You: ...

You: why

You: im tired of people throwing themselves atop me

Stranger: haha wtf

Stranger: LOL

Stranger: bye fag..

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I love how todays youths have gained so much intelligence in the fine art of intercourse. The gentle caress, the seduction of foreplay, the emotional elation.... nah, "are you grl... no... thn u fag! hahahalolololoLOLOLOL"

Wonderful.

So, I learnt that sex still dominates omegle, that 15 year olds are desperate for online baddaboom and I am a fag. I had better tell my girlfriend...

In conclusion, I am not racist, for any of you who believe I now hate indonesians without warrant, but... it does seem strange, how they all need a good shag.

p.s

I also hate how I feel I have to constantly reiterate the fact I am not racist on the off chance someone thinks I am. I mean, I treat everyone equally, for I mock everyone!

The General Elections. So generalised no one gives a fuck

2010-04-14T06:59:00.000-07:00

So, who are you voting for. The half-blind flobby faced blobfish paedo OR the homosexual vlog-filming cyclist OR.... the yellow guy...?

It's the general elections, that thing I don't follow. That thing that keeps on hounding me for an opinion, so I decided I would give one.

I recently recieved through the letterbox this leaflet about voting and facebook. On the back, this conversation:

Angela 19/ Just graduated

So, you're not going to vote then?

Matthew 21/ Job Seeking

What's the point? Politicians are all the same. It won't affect me who the next prime minister is

Angela

So you don't have an opinion then on whether it's a good thing to have job guarantees for young people or whether you have the right to see a cancer specialist within two weeks?

Matthew

Of course I do! Those things are...

And you get the idea, basically in the course of one false facebook conversation, Angela has turned Matthew to her ways, because shes the graduated woman, and hes the poor stupid jobless twat. Well done Labour. Well done.

My concept of the elections and the various people to choose is incredibly vague. It basically boils down to me going, "But hes a ghey twat" and throwing the telly out the window whilst laughing at the following image:

Actually thats wrong, I couldnt find a decent picture of Nick Griffin as Hitler. All the images were done on paint, and that just looks a bit silly.

Anyway. So I consulted a friend on MSN to learn more about blobby, vlogger and... that other guy... Apparently Labour are gonna continue heavily taxing the rich (makes sense) and... well, this is their website summing them up in three bullet points:

Rebuild our economy
Reform and protect our public services
Renew our politics

Well done. In short they want to have money, keep us alive to have the money and... renew our politics, which is about as vague as any footballer explaining what he did in the game: "well I kind of moved the ball a bit and aimed to score goals"... congratulations

The Tories are doing nothing bar angering J. K. Rowling, who, rather than putting the Cruciacios... the Explee... some spell shit on them, wrote an article for The Times.

"I accept that my friends and I might be atypical. Maybe you know people who would legally bind themselves to another human being, for life, for an extra £150 a year? Perhaps you were contemplating leaving a loveless or abusive marriage, but underwent a change of heart on hearing about a possible £150 tax break? Anything is possible; but somehow, I doubt it. Even Mr Cameron seems to admit that he is offering nothing more than a token gesture when he tells us “it’s not the money, it’s the message”.

In short she said overall. Blah blah blah I had a kid once blah blah blah hard upbringing blah blah blah i made tonnes of money blah blah blah wheres my sympathy. But between all the self-love and the need to use her own experience as a bad parent to back up her claims, she did say some interesting points. Like Harrys Wand amiri... nah, that joke was just too easy, and a bit naff...

Cameron McVlogghey has decided to pay people who stay together, for breaking up causes economic issues that he can't be arsed to deal with. In short, he has subtley said, "you love each other nicely or you pay us for not being in love!" Which sounds about as harsh as BNP saying "black people can now join our party if they want but they are still wankers".

So far then we have Labour "doing some politics", in their own words (their manifesto is a page of going, "we did some politics once, we can again, if ya like... im half blind, vote for me) and Conservative paying loved ones for being in loveland. Oh, and Labour sent out a leaflet telling me that people on Facebook can use grammar and talk about important issues, not LOLcats.

That leaves Cleggy. You know, Nick Clegg? Yeah him. What you don't know? Hes... that other party. You know, the one that comedians easily get a laugh out of by pretending they don't know who the liberal democrats are. When I asked my friend what they were putting onto the governmental table, his reply was, "probably voodoo magic"...

When he went into more detail it appears the Lib Dems (I am not doing any more jokes into pretending I dont know who they are because they are boring. its a cheap laugh and Im all class and grammar... sometimes...). As Labour and Torie clash for class, Lib Dems sit at the sidelines quietly whispering to spectators that they can bring equality to all, or at least, set the ground work for that. Basically the antithesis of the BNP, being yet another LOLcow that is too easily milked.

So, to conclude once again, because I enjoy concluding, makes me feel self-riteous (I cant spell today, I may punch a gibbon because of it). Labour want richrichrich taxes, Tories want to pay for sex and Lib Dems are very equal and all nice and proper and a bit gay.

In all of this I said I do not wish to vote. None of them can run the country and in my opinion the overlapping rules, regulations, laws, forms, manifestos, ideologies, bills and rights form such a convoluted mess (like a small child threw up spaghetti, ate it again, threw up again and left their intestines in a nice pile on the top) that the only way to set things right is to wipe clean and rebuild, but that leads to anarchy and thatll just make some very annoyed teens that wear too much black happy, and we can't have that; those sorts of teenagers should be mocked, like this.

On a side note, a couple of other interesting points into how the country is killing itself. Primark brought out a range of silly bras for 7 year olds, with padding. I can't see the point, bar the point in the trouser pocket of Gordon Brown as he contemplates the idea.

Conservative leader David Cameron, who branded the sale "disgraceful" in a radio interview, said he was "delighted" the bikini top had been withdrawn from sale.

Aww, ain't that cute. Camerony amerony has a little opinion on the wadio. Ain't that cute. I think anyone could have said it was a disgrace and then alliterated his response when pleased as to the result of feeling horrible about the idea. Anyone. Its quite a simple idea to go, "what, making kids have tits, an outrage". I mean, if anyone didn't say that (BNP, hehehe, cheap jokes) theyd be ghey (I like ghey, generic insults are fun). I want to see the process of creating such a product though. The company alone has the price range of a chavs pocket money (and when I say pocket money, I mean stolen from their mother, and when I say stolen from their mother I mean a tramp, and when I say stolen from a tramp, I mean raped a tramp, and when I say raped a tramp, I mean raped their mother, and when I say mother, I mean small children in padded bras), so naturally, the course was to make said chavs, chavettes and chavites (baby chavs, I coined a phrase) look like sluts. Chavslutting is what they shall call it and they shall make money from it. How did anyone think that was a good and well thought through idea; surely their are not 7 year olds looking at women going, "I wish I could have a figure like that, then the boy with his finger up his nose will like me".... hold up, nah, im wrong. With all the hormones in food these days, they have a higher libido than me, and thats saying something.

What is even better about this is the comment I found on the article:

beckie:

I don't really think this is much of a big problem to what people are making out. There are younger girls around the age of 10/11 that may want to start wearing more of an older type bra/bikini top, what's wrong with that? I mean yeah, if it's like 5 year olds i understand, but still.

Beckie is a slag. In her own little mind she has worked out the right age one should appear sexy even if sex has yet to enter the consciousness of said child. In short, look sexy, just don't tell them what it means till later. Whether they "want" to wear said clothes or not isnt the point here beckie, the point is they have to develop naturally in todays already tumultuous social climate or theyll get raped! Because raep is everywhere people. RAEP IS SERIOUZ BUSINESS.

To end, this video, which I please ask you to troll. Please, please, troll:

Be a bit shittily famous, said Andy Warhol

2010-04-03T06:52:00.000-07:00

I begin this post with a challenge. Minions, you 8 fans of facebook that read this occasionally, I have a job for you all.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Status-Update-that-got-a-Student-EXPELLED-from-School/110173825673012?v=wall&ref=nf

Is a poor excuse for a fan page. I am sick and tired of all these new fan pages that do not work as fans should. Please, oh people, define me a fan. For me it is someone that has witnessed or partaken in something and loves it so much they have associated themselves with that act, as a fan. NOT THE OTHER-WAY-A-FUCKIN'-ROUND. I may like that so I am a fan of it, then see/partake

Thats like someone saying they are a fan of being raped before the act has been done. Sheeeessshhh. If you are one of these people who are fans of such pages, then be ashamed. I have become a fan on some occasions due to my curiousity gland going into overdrive, but soon remove myself from its throngs of helpless lonely wankless teenagers after the deed has been done. But this one, I was intrigued.

I had discovered this image on failbook.com:

Now, I am confused. Due to this outrageously WHAMMMMMMMMMMBULANCE styled piece of crap being placed on facebook, the priniciple is apparently going to expel him. These thoughts come to mind

1) Some teenagers discover failbook and want to be famous and so construct this event with their friends for the purposes of an ego boost that will only result in crying and wanking in a cold corner realising you are helpless worthless and sad

2) This event did occur and the principle is going to expel him

3) Why the hell do you add ya principle to facebook. I have teachers yeah sure, they spam me with farmville, but I would not add my principle... well, head Teacher, we give them real titles.

But lets talk about 2. Surely it is illegal to expel someone for acts outside of school property, outside of college jurisdiction. To expel him is to say, "I AM THE PRINCIPLE OF THE INTERWORLD. OBEY ME" and thats my job, not Katrina (and the waves).

So back to my point. Upon seeing when I returend to normal failbook, facewank, in my status updates, "The Status that got a student expelled from school" with all important caps lock emphasis, I was intrigued to know if it was the same one, and to comment and recieve information on American College/Internet power struggles. Upon hitting, become a fan, it says to link you to another page to see the picture:

http://expulsion-status-update.blogspot.com/

That takes you to that link, which uses blogspot heinously, for to see it you must then complete surveys...

Hold on! When did it say that to be a fan of something you complete surveys, WHEN!

I am a fan of doctor who, doesnt mean to say I am a fan I have to complete a subscription to Binoculars Monthly.

"Oh yeah Im quite a f..."

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO COMPLETE A SURVEY TO JOIN BINOCUL...

"No, I just want to tell my friend I am a fa..."

"SURVEY?"

"No, Im just a fan..."

"SURVEY"

And thats why I keep the clipboard wielding temptress in my basement...

What makes it more horrific is that its doing this to see if your a search engine bot. WTF. Nice piece of wording there. Oh words, so powerful, it makes it seem oh so legit now. No search engine bot is looking at funny pictures, none. So fuck off. Thats all I have to say to you sad sad individuals getting paid outrageous sums of money to show off survey..... hold on...

TO FINISH READING THIS BLOG PLEASE TELL ME YOUR MASTABATORY HABI... god sake, I have a dignity. Its under lock and key and I feed it scraps.

So yes, my challenge is simple. Go onto these new become afan to be a fan to be a fan fanwankers and troll them, send me how you did it, and I will blog them! And you will be a little bit more famous a bit!

If you want something to become a fan of more seriously, they please, become a fan of the following video. made my the people from PropahJob studios, I laughed immensely, and to conclude, I will stop writing like a critic:

Lady Gaga, you penisless wonder!

Anyway, onwards to a couple of links of interest. I would talk about them now, but I really cannot be arsed:

http://geek.comedy.com/2010/02/09/10-rejected-wii-accessories/

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/2010/03/16/2010-03-16_no_sex_for_me_please_extranssexual_briton_is_first_legally_genderless_person.html?r=news&utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+nydnrss%2Fnews+%28News%29

Said the 10 year old to her imaginary dinosaur

2010-03-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

MICHAEL JACKSON, GIVING LOSERS MONEY SINCE... WELL...sorry, *cough*, well, his death.

The syringe that allegedly administered Michael Jackson's fatal dose of drugs is reportedly set to go on sale for £3.3million. - http://www.ananova.com/News/story/sm_3715057.html

What the holy mother fucking cunty christy fuck is going on in the world? Who would want it? I know that Most Haunted did a Michael Jackson seance with Acora and Sam (and those guys make me laugh... Sam, what is it Sam... what... hes a ghost.... OMG THATS MY DAD... what sam, its her dad... well done agoracorah for giving young goths false hope)... anyway, I know they did a seance but the syringe? What do people plan to d with it. Join the King of Shit?

Daddy, I need a new bicycle and horse and barbie set

No dear, I am not the posh beaurocrat you think I am, I am merely a pimp

I shall kill myself with Jackos syringe. Fuck you world, I want to meet Jacko and be his bitch.

Said the 10 year old to her imaginary dinosaur.

I cannot see the infatuation with Jacko. I really cannot. He was a child molestering sphinx-nosed gobin. I know whatcha all saying now. "IT WASNT PROVED, HIS PAEDOPHILIA." My apologies. I have often been accused of paedophilia without being one. Yes, many a person not a paedophilia, with no affiliations with paedophilia, have been charged with paedophilia. it happens all the fricking time. ..... NOT

If you are taken to court with paedophilia, there must be something you did that remotely affiliates you with that certain paraphilia. And this isnt like chocolate and dieters. Just because you were near the choccy bar means you ruined ya diet. no... but... in this case.. just because you were near to the end of the paedo spectrum doesnt make you a paedo... yes it does... if you are charged, the likelihood you just had damn good pop lawyers is more acceptable.

"The guy who has possession of the needle has been in meetings with his legal team, making sure it is legitimate and his to sell.

They need to check? Oh I know why... so the Jackos can make more money from his death. Which on a side note I dont think actually happened. I can see him rising from the dead, like Jesus, his arrogancy and fucked up mindset oozing from a new set of eyes hes had implanted in his armpits and rectum.

Anyway, enough from the paedo.

I leave you with this: http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Main_Page

And this

I have owned him, I have decided, because I hate people like this, the haters of intellectuals. I hate the haters of intellectuals like myself. I hate them so much I would resurrect Hilter to go all euthenasia on their asses, thats how awful twisted and depraved I am

A challenge, kinda

2010-03-10T14:58:00.000-08:00

I have proposed a challenge to Scott J. Marshall of http://www.memyselfandritalin.blogspot.com. The challenge is simple. 3 images, unknown to the other, send them over msn, write about it.

I was given this as my first image:

Hmm, fat people. Hot horrible.

Its not the weight that bothers me; I dont mind people 1) eating to obesity because they like it (House taught me its fine) or 2) because its glandular. If people like fun, then live for less time happy. If its glandular, then poor you.

Do you know what I hate though?

MY LIFE IS AWFUL AND I WILL USE BURGERS AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR A NOOSE.

That I fucking detest. No person should use anything to escape the torments of reality. its shit, we all know, its why prostitutes, STD curing medicines and drugs were invented. its why the internet became popular because then Bertha up there can become, "kittylicious434354354545454000000" and shag as many cocks as she can without the hassell of her vagina falling off (if thats even possible, and even if it is, not for Bertha because the lipids would hold it in place) or having to show mum baccy-barney and his trio of talking monkey men.

Right next picture.

Hmm, lesbians. Am I seeing a theme scott. Fat birds and lesbians. Mmmm, lesbians. Hot steamy... HOLD THE PHONE, I MEAN, MY COCK... thats not sexy at all.

Sex has always been a fascination of the human race, but not necessarily correctly. We always imagine Olivia Wilde and.... that chick that plays Cameron, meeting up after solving a horrendously sexual case, just to release there sexual sexual sex by sexing up their sex sex sex. But we forget about image number one, the tall bird on the bus that looks like The Raptor Jesus' Twin after a lobotomy on his FACE.

When people say, "wouldnt it be great if we were all naked", whilst looking at the DD blond with the arse that screams "anal", we forget about the lass and lads behind us pretending to be mariah carey and comingoff as jim carey, after eating a lipo suction clinic.

remember kids, sex is fun, but not always necesa... no thats not my point at all. Have sex, just dont think about fat birds lesbianing it up.

NEXT PICTURE SIR!

(at this point he was still typing, so I say now, HURRY THE FUCK UP)

What the holy fuck is that!

Right, so... so if you... what about.... I have nothing to say but the world is mad. Why? Just why? Dogs in prams, now lets treat them to canine equivalents of our sporting activities. We don't do anything based off dogs at .... oh wait... now Olivia Wilde has returned to me, in a dream... a wet dog surfing is terrible. Look at its face! It does not want to be there at all. Its going

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.. WAVE... fuck fuck fuck" e.t.c, onwards till it can get home, shag a chair and go to sleep.

Dogs run around eating shit and pooing shit and being shit (I dont like dogs, can ya tell), not surfing. How many shitty journalists put "DOG FISH" in the title of their article, before being fired for forgetting about news.

I always love fun in my life, usually in the form of internet boobies, sxephil or shaycarl, showing me life is still fun and great and wonderful, but this, this is just taking the piss. This isnt showing the nonsensical aspects of life we should cherish, its just silly.

When that dog drowns, I will pay no respects. I will only pay my whore double, for a celebratory hand job.

I end here with this message. Internet jokes are always funny... because theres no emotional pain involved. With that in mind:

A link

Be shocked. Then laugh. Then become a fan. I dare ya.

Pokemon or Sex?

2010-02-28T05:35:00.000-08:00

Just something to tide you minions over....

The latter image inspired some Omegle Conversation; yes this blog does talk about that from time to time:

Stranger: hi

You: pokemon or sex?

Stranger: sex

Stranger: you

You: pokemon, gardevoir has it going onnN!

Stranger: hi

You: pokemon or sex?

Stranger: both of them

You: ooo, i see, how does that work?

Stranger: asl?plz

You: pokemon or sex?

Stranger: hi

Stranger: as u like

You: as I like

You: no im asking ypou

You: *you

Stranger: so hat?

Stranger: so what?

You: so what? because i'm better than you

You: just gimme a damn answer!

Stranger: shit!

You: pokemon

You: or

You: sex

You: choose boi!

Stranger: sex

You: thank you

You: that is all

You: pokemon or sex?

You: have i blown your mind with such a conundrum

You: dont go towards the light!

You: its a raging pikachu

You: covered in herpes

You: syphilis?

You: SPEAK

I see your point, but isn't it a little esoteric?

2010-02-22T06:08:00.000-08:00

Well. Well well well. Yes, that is a good well, nice and deep.

But I digress.

The Viscount has been summoned after a long period of absence due to various insanity issues. But thankfully the world wide web has been brought back to my attention and now I plunge myself deep into it's darkest recesses to bring you this little gem.

Oh dear. I think I have once upon a time referred to something similar to this. Prepare for a rant.

There is a saying (a very good saying at that) that goes "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". And it is true! The psychological manipulation, the mind games, the intricately detailed and well thought out revenge plans that the femme concocts are, in essence, beautiful. They truly make the female of the species a thing to be admired. But males, for the most part at least, are incapable of putting any sort of thought into this process. Take this fine example. A lovely backstory; same old same old. Guy meets girl, girl fucks guys freind, girl dumps guy. Yes. A continuing saga in the vortex known as love. But this, if you forgive my profanity, takes the biscuit. This (for want of a better adjective) prick appears to not understand the underlining aspect of a good revenge plan; it has to be subtle. A website dedicated to denouncing the name of your former loved one may seem like the ultimate revenge plan at the time, but at the end of the day its like assasinating a man by drowning him in a urinal. It lacks elegance. It also shows the ultimate failure when going through a break up; it shows that you still care enough to be pissed off this much. And yes it may be funny to think that putting up pictures of your ex with her goods on show will result in her humiliation, but when your future girlfriends notice what you did when you got dumped they will bolt themselves.

In other words pursuing this modus operandi and you will be labelled a twatface.

In other news, literary genius and poetic legend Nathan Dean lashed out at the bolshevik community and labelled the leading dark lord a rapist. Rapist?!? RAPIST?!? The only raping I do is metaphorical. Plus physical rape is vile. Lets murder the rapists. Yay. Murder rapists. Yayzles.

Bye Bye sanity.

I've Pulled

2010-02-21T09:47:00.000-08:00

So, whatever shall I talk about today. OH I KNOW. THIS:

That was sent to my lovely mother (who has recently discovered this blog; she laughed, but also wondered where all my fucking wanking buggery language came from).

That picture is so fucking confusing. Either

a) Behind the face of that lass is a paedophile ready to eat my cock off or

b) I've pulled.

But both don't work. If you were gonna pretend to be a lass you'd choose a picture from a model agency site or something. She may be mildly attractive, but she ain't what I'd use as picture to lure unsuspecting lads and lasses into my creamy dungeon. Also, she must know I am over the recommended age for paedophiles, unless she a teenophile, and thats pretty much everyone I know.

B also doesn't work because who would ask someones mum that to get through to myself. Why not just spam me? It would lead to inevitable trolling (unless your The Viscount; him, it leads to raep).

So it leaves a c). An unknown C point (G-spot, hehehehe, i linked two words vaguely), which could be that she was drunk, dared or disabled. I am contemplating messaging this lass, just to see what occurs. What do you guys think (this is where you comment alot, make my blog famous and I get paid money to hire said Kath as a whore).

Surely if it really is just as simple as what she said then she must be fucking bonkers, her brain must ooze onto her pillow as she masterbates herself to sleep each night. It frightens me I may be in the minds of women (and men, and kids) across the country; it should only be the other way around.

I think what she needs is a:

Hold on. I remember this. I was going to talk about this ages ago and then forgot. What I don't get about this specific blocker is the advert. This, inevitably, shall be seen by your children. The likelihood is you will buy it, teach them how to install with it, using this to protect ya kids from Rule 34 whilst having a jolly fun time.

But look at it. How rogueish is that?! People will buy that expecting porn:

Thats more like it. L33T editing skills.

But with porn comes great responsibility. If said woman, smiling heartily at the bosoms her husband has collected, decides against such pr0nz, then troubles occur. Desires escallate, and, if things don't go to plan:

Megan Fox's Virginity, find it for me

2010-02-16T08:37:00.000-08:00

Sex. It makes life that little bit... sexier. It makes things a bit more fun. However, sex became easy to do with the advent of the penis and from then on it has become more and more derogatory. Less and less fun and more a taboo behind locked doors and deep in Josef Fritzs basement.

Then it moved onto the internet, where boys could be girls and fat girls could be women. Where what you think is

Is really...

So when I discovered that a friend of mine had given my addy to a online sexy babe, I was at first intrigued before the second image flashed into my mind like bad Steve Martin Pink Panther Remake. But I wished to discover who the guy giving my addy out was and so with some terrible flirting and Hamlet Quotations, this occured:

Nathan Dean says:

i dont want to sound weird but i have no idea who you are