WTF! FRIDAY!

So it has come down to this people of the world are directing there hatred towards one person who granted has made a song so bad it makes me want to tear my own hair out just because of of one REALLY bad video. The song is terrible and again goes to show where money and the bandwagon that you tube has become are damaging our society and otherwise ruining the good name that is talent.

I'm sorry this is really short but got better stuff to do such as recreate the entire universe with a saucepan.

To and fro, stop and go, thats what makes a manic go mad . . .

ZOMG!!!!!! WTF!!!!!!!!one!1!!!!

It turns out that the Viscount, that delightful and charismatic fellow that entertained with sarcastic rants, maniacal laughter and generally fucking the shit out of every plus sized bitch to ever grace his presence is in fact a psychological creation of monumentous preportions which was created as a way for the loser /b/tard that was me to readjust to my new life.

Or, in short, I'm medically bat-shit insane.

It all started when I was down south watching that adult season on BBC 3. Now, I don't know about you, but when I see or hear the phrase "Adult Season" I automatically assume that it will be a non-stop festival of all 37 "Cock Gobbler" movies from start to finish. However, like many 13 year old boys and dirty old sick fucks I was dissapointed when I was watching Alice try to pick which of her 6 dads to give her away on her wedding day thanks to her slaggy mum's indecisive whoring. But then that tarty twat-bang from N-Chubz Tullisa came on talking about bipolar disorder and multiple personality disorder, and I began a complex diagnostic procedure involving the one true encyclopedia.

And it was by far the best diagnosis evaaaaarrrrrr

And in short the Viscount was an accessory to some form of Multiple Personality Disorder,

In closing, all your medical needs can be solved by a quick trip to Encycolpedia Dramatica

Donkey Punch, more like Donkey... shit... yeah, wit, I haz it

I don't really know what I'm about to write about, however I can tell you this. I recently saw the film Donkey Punch on Film 4.

Now, I understand psychological horror, teenagers and sex are hot topics for any director (namely so they can look clever and stare at young perk tits, fucking lecherous directors) but Donkey Punch takes the bacon as the most sex-fuelled orgy-ridden bloodbathical of all time.

The film basically deals with three teenage girls, one of which recently broken up (which is treated in the writing as though her boyfriend died in a horrific banana yoghurt/chinchilla based accident, not just leaving her... ... ... too dramatic teens) who, after stealing champagne and drinking excessively meet 3 twats ina bar. The twats, being twats, have a yacht, and ask the girls they have just met whether they would like to twattishly join them on said yacht. Naturally, being bitchy naive twatty girly girls they say yes because they are slags and like a quick shag.
When they arrive on the yacht, moments after meeting the twats - you'd think their mothers would have taught them about strangers - they take a fuck tonne of drugs due to peer pressure from the biggest twat and all settle down to a nice orgy.
Earlier, the biggest twat and described The Donkey Punch, whereby you give a lass an involuntary spasm to make ya cum better or some shit like that, I was too busy laughing at the accents the actors had put on to sound like down-to-earth less than clever teens. During said orgy, virgin twat performs donkey punch killing slaggiest lass with the fucking wierd face...

From then on everyone dies for no reason.

The End.

Wiki tells me it was filmed in 3 weeks on £500,000, which fucking explains the lack of plot half way through. The sex scene was just a wank job for the director, Olly Blackburn, who obviously just likes the idea of snuff porn and decided to add a yacht, a virgin and a silly title in the mix. The title was what intrigued me, having the feel to it of Swordfish or Domino, intelligent harsh films... this was just fucking terrible, bar the beginning which showed promise. Some nice eerie shots, and a decent look into stereotypical teenage life opens the film before the director goes, "fuck this everyone dies." Including death by dingy engine and a flare getting lodged in someones chest, again for no reason.

The only man I know that can pull off films like this is Quentin Tarantino, which brings me nicely into this, which I copied from this link:

The Inglourious Basterds Drinking Game

Drink Every Time . . .

1. Anyone's notoriety is referenced 2. Swastikas are shown
3. Anyone says "Jew" or "Nazi"
4. A geographic location is mentioned
5. Anyone drinks
6. Anyone switches languages mid conversation
AND IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GET WASTED . . .
Anytime someone dies.

Which swiftly draws me back to.... Teenagers have gained a reputation as drug taking, sex addicted drunken morons with more intelligence in their brains as Bono has charitable thoughts. This wasnt true before, but then wankers (and I mean that literally) like Olly Blackburn made films showing this off which made teenagers want to do it... this meant the teenagers saying, "we're not the stereotype you say we are" became the stereotype, as it looked fucking mental yeah. Sometimes I despair that I'm 19... soon I'm 20 and I can leave the drugged up drinking messes behind me.

I also want to direct your attention to:

Wii Games - E3 2011 - Guitar Hero 5

This is a fascinating little video (not snuff porn I promise ya). Basically it shows how scary game design is, how facebook is taking over the world and how you are doomed to live in a world of cheaply produced commercialised brain washing money making schemes where you spend good money on pixels. I'll leave you with that thought, good morrow peeps.

iPad, Samuel L Jackson is my Friend and virtual goldfish novel-ties

Today, I debated with two friends over this product:

http://www.apple.com/uk/ipad/

I find the concept of the iTampon (hehe, I bandwaggoned onto a shit joke on how iPad sounds like an absorbant feminine item, hehehe... lovely) a tad... pointless. And after the debate I realised it wasn't the product I hated, but its marketing.

I originally kept saying to said friends, "It's pointless, just get a netbook, or sommet" as these seem to have a decent number of programs installed for basic use. Yes, it may not have full net or full microsoft word, but for idle note taking or essay writing on a train it seems likely notepad is all you need. 

"But listen here sucka" said my friend who will now be portrayed by Samuel L Jackson, "Fucking netbooks are shit, I'm too fucking awesome to be hanging with that mo'fo." 

And he proclaimed the iPads skills: the many applications, protools, logic, movie editing, full programs for use. So yes, I agree, the iPad looks fucking awesome. These however are my qualms.

1) its enormous. 

2) due to 1 it can easily be nicked (but I suppose so can laptops but they are more cumbersome than the humble iPad)

3) Pointless wankable accessories, such as speak to text, dogs you can stroke apps, keyboards, noise makers, games, magnetic penises, angry badger plug ins... so much stuff used solely to make Apple Fan Boys cum.

And yes, their reply was that I was merely saying such things because I wanked over Microsoft or that I can't see the full potential of this ebook.

It was then I cracked.

Just because your marketing it as an ebook doesnt fail to note it is a laptop. Yes, it hasnt a keyboard, but you can plug one is what Samuel L Jackson said he was doing. I said laptop covers it, he said it was lighter.

My other friend stood up for this claim. YES! It is lighter than my macbook. His macbook is a fucking anorexic; a midget with herpes in its right testicle could lift it. I dont know why right testicular herpes lowers strength but bugger it the metaphor stands! 

The tiniest things make mac fan boys, or just likers and lovers of a good system, cum. I mean, I prefer mac over my shitty vista laptop, for it crashes less, has a greater creative prowess and updates far better than microsoft where you become the developer because Gatesy and his golden prostitutes can't be arsed to fix it themselves... I GET THAT... but a tiny bit of weight missing, a camera in the next one (why not put it in this one, oh right, to make more money), the possibility of using facebook full screen and a nice shade of silver on the side are not reasons to buy this product. Yes, I agree, I would get one if it was affordable and smaller (because the size drives me insane, Ill explain why later) but it is marketed as something life changing. It isn't. End of. Its a laptop without the flippy top bit. Not an e-book. Laptop, without flippy bit.

And about the size. People say its fine because its easy to carry and not a laptop. And it is because people say "its not a laptop" that its size is now fine. if it was a laptop people wouldnt like it; its simply due to its name.

The marketting of his product fails to focus on its potential (safari, mail, work on actual projects on full blown software) and instead says, "look you can read a book on it, and if you say stuff to it it logs in and and... erm... you can download a virtual goldfish!" I don't care. For work on the go I want word, software, end of. I dont want all the other pointlessnessnesses of Apple. Soon we will be unable to live in the real world without being able to log into the Glee iPad app. much as we can't live without our mobiles tweeting our every favourable quote of the day. Much as we don't like the idea of a real book when the iPad has one for us already. its pathetic. I don't mind evolution, but for the right reasons. i wouldn't even mind virtual books, just not virtual books as an add on, mocking books now as a novelty (novel-ty, hehe) and not a pleasure of literature.

So, I want your opinions. I may omegle some questions and post them in a P.S below later, but right now I'm going to wank over how its lighter than a stapler. Night.

Idiocy, its fucking everywhere

I could think of no other title for this blog post. I can think of no other term to fully encapsulate modern Britain... modern, world... eugh!

I recently asked my facebookers what I should hate and recieved "twilight, Justin Beiber, Jedward" etc. The big names of IQ-less popular fandom. I don't fucking understand the world now. I fail to comprehend why we wish to dumb ourselves down more and more until their is nothing left but a husk of bitching and bras (because, sadly, from experience, it appears women are the ones lowering themselves to new levels of intelligencelessness). I say that in the nicest possible way. I do not mean to offend women by saying, you are all fucking stupid, but sadly a large portion of you are. A large intense portion of femalia are utter bitches with more brain crammed into their heads as good song lyrics are found in Snoop Dogg. I will move onto the madness of men, later.

I shall begin my observations of stupidity with the following website, http://www.mylifeistwilight.com/ . Upon said website people post events, in a twatter like fashion, on events they deem twilight-like. For example, take this:

Today, I realised my hair is bown jus like bellas! :D MLIT

#35364 - May 24, 2010 12:14 PM by BELLA_ - Random - So twilight! (191) - Needs more twilight.. (1816)

Apparently said comment needs more twilight, says 1816 thousand twilight fans. However, 191 people... thats the population of a small village, deem is perfectly acceptable to say, "OMG! LIEK, MY HAIR IS SOOOOO LIEK BELLAS! OMG!" ... I'll let that sink in. In short 191 fellow twilighters see any reflection, link, mirrored fact, slight observance, sound, colour, texture or moment as like twilight. This, I believe, is much the same as some psychological ailments that are treated with diazapan and shock treatment. "OMG, LIKE, I WAS WALKING.... LIKE EDWARD!" Just fuck off, just... fuck... off! Twilight has somehow lured people into a false sense of security as part of this new age of easy-media. Basically media has evolved into a state where people wish not to be tested intellectually (for fun, I might add; already people will read the words "test" and "intellectually" and believe exams are on the menu, when in fact its sometimes fun to enter as one Bill Bailey called on QI, a world of knowing)... I continue, its evolved into a state where people do not need to comprehend huge facts, debate or wonder - not even be inspired - merely absorb, giggle and fuck off. Twilight fills a glorious niche, much as Mills and Boon short stories did for Holiday Romance Fiction, but Mills and Boon did not drive people insane. They filled a niche, formed a clique, and allowed people to absorb some quick fiction before returning to a life mentally worth while. Twilight however has gained so much popularity it has formed crowds, swarms, of obsessed teens. They care not for intelligence of fact, or to develop themselves emotionally (as a Jacqueline Wilson novel might), intellectually (as a fine Stephen King might) or socially (as some graphic novels succeed in as they are intelligent and have a fine fan base)... no, what Twilight successfully does is give people pleasure so easy to absorb one does not expel energy into reading the novel but gains more. Instead of having to use cognitive prowess to read, they merely absorb, like a sponge of doom and peril, so that by the end the horniess of the novel is imparted into the teen turning them into ravenous sex-emos and indie scene wannabes. 

I would like to point out I have just posted the following message onto said website, awaiting replies:

OMG! I LIEK REALIZED TODAY I WAS SOOO LIKE EDWARD. i WAS WALKING AND TALKING TO PEOPLE AND LIEK EDWATD DOES THAT TOO OMG

I sadly have to wait to see if it has been uploaded. I fear it won't be, in case I make an emo kill itself.

Music has also taken this hideous down turn; Jedward was first off the mark taking old songs, barely rewriting them, a bit of white trash rapping Stephen Fry detests, add in a old celebrity in need to pay off some debts and away you go. Jedward ceased to make music about anything. It is merely a noise one can squeal too hysterically again imparting energy of joy at a world so simplistic one now can do fuck all in it and still do well. Jedward is music without purpose, filling again that niche that "Shut uppa ya face" did when it put the glory of "Vienna" by Ultravox as N.o2 in the charts.

Justin Beiber similarly has the same approach but with pedobear dancing in the background. 

why hello there ;) about 21 hours ago via web 

- http://twitter.com/justinbieber

That is a real Beiber Tweet (note how his last name can be put next to any word to make it nauseatingly commercial...) Already the hormones are running wild so as Justina uploads said post he wanks to it awaiting new 18 year old hotness watchers. 

But this implies mainly females, let me now move onto males:

I could not help but laugh hysterically in Morrisons (a supermarket of Britain 2.0) when I saw a petition for getting the world cup to be held in England in 2018. The idea that we still hold onto the idea we are good at the war... I mean sport is appalling. We see football as a battlefield, so as our boys head out to fight in Afghanistan or Iraq we say nothing, merely buy COD50000 and shoot some pixels... but when Renadol, Romaldo, Rellalaldoldldoa... whatever falls over, we go up in arms screaming and shout and rioting for our goal to be accepted. Fuck the goal. Football is a game, and it is you sick stupid individuals. Any of you who goes, "ITS A WAY OF LIFE" shoud be hung from the flag and pecked at by birds for your patriotism is false sir. You men of honour and dignity, in your pubs, 5000 stone overweight and downing another cheap pint as you watch your plasma TV filling said pub screaming at how it wasnt like this in the old days. You can't even smoke now. We took that from you, you sad lonely divorcees. Loving your 'sport', if I dare use such a sickening term, is as bad as those emos you see everyday; those teenagers, as young as your daughters, that you can't help but lick your lips over when you see their cleavages drowning in eyeliner that had dropped from the lower lids of a saddened scene kid due to Edward not being real. Just all of you fuck off.

This travesty has occurred because of one thing... the world. Life. Universe. Everyday we have to work twice as hard with no breaks, and if we have a break we have to work in it to get where we need to be. To ring people for advice who know fuck less than you do, to lose the forms to get the forms to sign the forms to get the form to carry on with our god forsaken lives. No wonder we want football and twilight and Beiber Fever; its easy. its simple. A down right simpler way of living than having to do exams with sense (where grammar is but thrown aside for correct ideas) or work out where the hell money comes from nowadays, because I tell ya what, Student Finance doesnt have a fucking clue either.

So, hold up your arms and tell the skies on high, I bitch because if I didn't, I might as well be a corpse.

Night folks, have a good'un. 

Zombie Luv, and a problem

Hello minions. I have a problem. I have seem to be finding it hard to find something to hate, if any of you lovely people has something worth omegling, please, comment below.

For your perusal instead, two things. A zombie contest called Zombie Luv and my entry, which you can find here!

Christianity, what else can you hate, oh my

Disclaimer: the following post is not intended to defile religion, act heretically or be blasphemous, but merely point out how certain Christians can be utter wankers. Side note: this will most likely not be very funny, I get heated

My curiousity into why Christians are so downright protective of what they believe in began at primary school. Each day we prayed when we arrived, we prayed in our assembly, prayed at lunch and then prayed when we left. Each prayer was one of thanks, understanding or safety. I.e "thank you God for getting me to school safe", "thank you god for this food I have here, these frube, and this cheese string, all holy in nature", "God, keep me safe when I walk home tonight". Ironically, after doing these for quite a few years, with child naivity keeping me locked to this form of behaviour, I one day awoke to a scientific mind I now possess. I came up with a theory, one I could test. My house is but mere houses from the Primary School and each day I am safe. Surely if I said "I have to eat 5 apples everyday no Giraffes would eat my Mum" and did indeed eat 5 apples then that event would not occur, for Giraffes do not live in  England and nor do they eat matriarchal factors of family units. My plan was this, on one day, I would not pray, I would mime, think of something irrelevant to prayer, then walk home.

GUESS WHAT FOLKS. I live! And strangely the over-use of prayer made me an Atheist. Well, technically not an Atheist, because I don't believe there is nothing its just... well... let me put it this way. Newly Weds still argue over what colour the curtains should be in their new house, do you think we have the capabilities to understand an omniscient presence when curtains are still at the top of the fucking agenda. Unlikely. Being mere carbon based accidents (if evolution is to be believed, but if you say the underlieing idea of that philosophy in a patronising tone of voice is sounds fucking weird too... "so, like, we were bits of atom and just HAPPENED to rearrange into a self-replicating form which just HAPPENED to continued growing new bits to ADAPT to an environment it has no perception of until after being  a FISH a DINOSAUR and a MONKEY I became MAN... ok., yeah, you believe that buddy.")... yes... if we but Carbon Based accidents then we have no perception of the universe and what made it, if something did. Just impossible. And yet we continue to say "JEHOVAH FORGIVE ME!"

But, what I have to make of a note of, in case I am called a Blasphemer (blasforme, blas for you, blas for everyone) and get burned a bit, I do not want to say "you are wrong". I think you are wrong, for that is my belief, and I am allowed to believe that, for equality is what brings people together man, but I am not, through a shitty blog, oppressing your beliefs, be they Muslim, Jewish, Siqeheh.. Soigh... Sihk (there we go!), Dadaist, Baha'i, Zoroastrian... I dont care... I am merely pointing out that certain people are fucktards when it comes to God and His infinite majesty (that doesn't exist (in my book (amen to that Brother) ) ).

We note in that above video how two Atheists, with a simple recognition of the inability to prove the existance of Unicorns, how blinded people are by faith. Like science, faith is fucking complicated. It is hard work. You can't just go, "My momma told me that god exeests. I now beleeve" (you may add in the Redneck drawl yourself). That is blind faith, silly faith... silly silly faith.

But with blind faith - with this cowardly grasping onto the pure and angelic false truth - comes arrogancy.

Take the life of brian, the funniest look into politics, unions and prejudice you can find, and what does Mr. Bishop say, "Oh, its by the footlights, blah blah blah, I went to University you know... blah".... to do what, Study Jesus. "I did a course in Jesusology". Fuck off Pink Coat. Because you are so busy trying to find faeries at the bottom of the garden (Douglas Adams) you forget to note what the films about. OMG, JESUZ IS IN THE FILM, ZOMG, THATS LIEK, BLASFERMEE! lololololololololol. I iz hatin' your filmz, make me a bible sammich. 

I don't like ignorance with religion, and this strange need to protect that faith regardless of how silly you look. You will never find Stephen Hawking getting angry at someone saying Black Holes are silly. He will merely look through evidence, procure it, and allow others to have alternate theories. He'll allow films to be made about how Black Holes are anuses, made by Time Lords, go into other universes, spew up, are found in coathangers, I dont fucking know, just... he can let his theory be mocked stupendously. The moment you say, "Jesus had a funny beard" and they come out all placards blazing saying how your a heretic. It implies a fear you are right. If we protest loud enough, the bad man with the alternate philosophical view will go away, because if I listen I may believe in him, and then... I don't know what I would do without the prospect of an ever-loving god. Just seems a tad cowardly in my book.

So yes, enjoy The Life of Je... I mean Brian and everytime a Jehohavs Witness knocks on the door shout loudly, with Xmas music in the background, "SORRY, CAN YOU COME BACK LATER, I'M JUST ABOUT TO GO GIVE BLOOD!"

My next port of call, after leaving the ignorance of Comedy-less Bishops behind, is... Wesboro Baptist Church, who apparently are so stupid they can't spell Borough. Note what the URL is, thats right, godhatesfags! YAY!

 

We all know gay sex is a bit... well... nothing. Its not weird, its not strange, its not rape, its not in the streets everyday. its just, a relationship. We can argue that homosexuality was seen in a bad light in Africa, due to homosexuality - even before the arrival of Christianity - meant being raped, as that was one of the only representations of that sexuality in the continent, but now... have we not grown up a tad? GOD HATES FAGS. Well done, you have successfully done nothing with your lives. 1) if god does exist do you think he listens to fucktards like you, do you think he goes - in a James Mason voice - "well done! Those colourful signs really got my attention, unlike those little funny hats the jews wear" 2) why does he hate fags, because a book written long ago under other social ideals said so... 3) you momma 4) ??? 5) profit

This is why I don't like religion. Science, probably, at one point, tried to prove how being ghey was wrong folks - probably in America in an educational film - but has since realised it isnt, and has moved onto whether its dispositional or situation, whether its genetic or you learn to be gay. Religion either 1) ignores it 2) accepts it or 3) GETS VERY FUCKING ANGRY SHOUTING AND SCREAMING AND NOT GETTING ANYTHING DONE. Religion here is not being constructive. its just alot of moaning and debating and not listening whereby both sides of the argument might as well go "you smell" "your gay" and go home. That is my second reason why Religion, espeically Christianity in this regard (but you find it all religions, don't think I have forgotten you Buddha) is stilla  tad childish. I look at religion and go, "really, still?"

Finally I reach, "CHRISTIANS FINDING ANYTHING WRONG IN ANYTHING!" Again, I will note, I think alot of Christians are fine fellows and basically are just incredibly moral people. In my opinion that is what religion should be, teaching people how to be, on the most basic fucking level, nice. But this, takes the bacon:

Is Pokemon Dangerous?

Is Pokemon dangerous?  Potentially, yes it is.  It conditions the child who plays the game into accepting occult and evolutionary principles.  Haunter can hypnotize, eat a person's dreams, and drain their energy.  Abra reads minds.  Kadabra emits negative energy that harms others.  Gastly induces sleep. Gengar laughs at peoples' fright.  Nidoran uses poison.  The Psychic type of Pokemon are among the strongest in the game.  Charmander, Haunter, Ivysaur, Kadabra, and many more evolve.  The children are taught to use these creatures to do their will by invoking colored energy cards, fights, and commands. Much of it is reminiscent of occult and eastern mysticism. - http://www.carm.org/more-stuff/features/pokemon-what-it

Yes thats right kiddies, as well as one card showing a nazi emblem, it apparently teaches them how to be chinese tarot card prophets and about the horrors of evolution. Because evolution is wrong. Why is evolution wrong Mr. Chris... tian.... its because it disproves god... so whether or not it is morally wrong is not the problem, its the fact it makes you look stupid... well done you no longer love god but love yourself with god as a back up plan! FUCKTARDS AWAY!

If I recall, the bible is about trusting your fellow man, helping him through hard times, incest and 10 commandments to help you in not killing everything, not about pokemon. Never have I heard god say, "AND THE POKEMON DID RISE FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE BALLS AND THEY MADE HIM RAGE FORTH A FURIOUS ANGER!"

Do you know whats even better about this? 

Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water are frequent elemental themes found in Pagan religions, witchcraft, and Wicca, and are used heavily in Pokemon.

And what did Christianity come out of? Wait for it... PAGANISM! Because religion is as evolving (hehe, I used a bad word) as science, changing its beliefs due to societal alterations. Thsi means that all Christians are... PAGANS! But without the stones, nakedness and dancing, so in all honesty it means they took the fun out of the religion. You can't just change a belief in my opinion. God cannot be different depening on your mood or whats going down. Either gays are wrong as the bible says, or ok if society is ok. Being the Pope doesnt mean, "shit, people dont like me because I think pokemon and gays are wrong, Ill just... MY PEOPLE, Jesus came unto me and said they are ok again, good night!" Thats just wrong, thats far more blasphemous than anything I could say, twisting religion so 1) your always right and 2) you don't look bad. Grow up. Either decide what you believe or fuck off!

So what have we learnt 1) this post isnt very funny, it is just a rant, 2) Fags are going to rot in hell, 3) Pokemon teaches kids evolution and that upsets people with beliefs in happy places and 4) Paganism rocks.